Ever randomly come across something on your computer that just makes you smile? Yeah, I saved this onto my computer 4.5 years ago, I wanted to use it for my Myspace at the time…
Some of the worst analogies written by high school students.
if by worst you mean best
5 though LOL
I LOVE THESE
the full list:
The washington post held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these are actually quite witty).
- Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
- He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
- The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
- He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
- She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
- The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
- She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
- Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
- Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
- They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
- Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
- The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
- He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
- The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
- Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
- The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
- I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
- She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
- Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
- It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
- Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
- You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
- The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
- Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
- The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
According to a new study, people can’t tell the difference between quotes from British “lad mags” and interviews with convicted rapists.
-Holy junk that is both crazy and a bit disturbing.
Adventures in news writing
Yet another lesson in the exciting world of journalism. Yesterday, the news broke that our college’s student senate ruled that because they were payed to do it, the armed service of our campus veteran’s group did not qualify as community service, which is required of any club if they are to receive any funding. Our adviser called the Associate Press, and asked if they’d be interested in the story, and they emphatically said yes. Jessica Keller, (one of our more enterprising reporters) jumped on it and several of us (myself included) started going around campus collecting information and interviews as Jessica blazed away on her phone and quickly wrote up a story to turn around to AP in time to meet any East coast deadlines.
.
The AP then decided to put their own reporter on the case who is based out of Cheyenne (a six hour drive away). While I believe he has all our notes, he decided to conduct his own interviews over the phone, and wrote a somewhat less in depth story than the one Jessica wrote. It was a bit anticlimactic.
.
Oh Mark Tatulli and your demented humor…
How to be cool: An essay by Logan Whitehurst
How To Be Cool
An Essay By Logan Whitehurst
So—you want to be cool. And maybe, just maybe (and this is one of those little “maybes” that the cool character says, almost inaudibly, then pauses for a very, very long time before shaking his head and going, “Nahhhh”) …nahhhh. I can’t help you. Only you can help you. And I’m here to help you help yourself—because God helps those who help themselves and I figure if you’ve got me AND God on your side, how can you lose? Then again, God might not exist, and then where would you be? You’d still have me, that’s where. And you’d be cool.
What is cool? Let’s break it down:
1. Cool is having a killer pickup line—one so suave, so sophisticated, so irresistable it’s frightening. Try these while raising one eyebrow and smiling out of the corner of your mouth. Look around a lot, but always look at the potential date enough so that he/she knows you mean business. Go to the store. Say to the girl/guy behind the counter, “Is this the checkout counter? ‘Cause I’m checking you out!” Go to a fast food place. Say, “Is this the pickup window? ‘Cause I’m picking you up!” This may not be appropriate in libraries or hospitals, but you have to go with your instinct. I mean, after all, you got to be cool.
2. Cool is not doing what your parents want you to do. This can be blatant or subliminal—just as long as they think you’re not doing what they want, you’re cool. Disregard for parental authority has been cool since James Dean. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air helped some, too. Now you, too, can further this institution, and it’s easier than you may think. When your parents say, “Be home by ten,” just say, “Be tome by hen.” If they say, “Eat your soup,” you say, “Seat your oup.” See, it’s all a word game. They think you have no respect for them, and you get to have a little laugh at all the silly words you make up. Just like James Dean.
3. Cool is looking like someone cool. This is not as circular as it sounds. Go ahead. Pick someone that you think is cool, preferably someone that many other people also think is cool. Dress like them in every way. Change your hair, your eye color. Change your teeth, your social security number, your address, age, weight, height, grade point average, and telephone number. You’ll be guaranteed to make that cool first impression, and you can ride on that for a long time. This also works for fictional characters like the Power Rangers and Scooby Doo, though not quite as easily since they are much smaller than people in real life, and they are flat.
4. Cool is having a nickname that everybody knows but nobody is really sure how you got it. Like a guy named “Stubs” who still has all his fingers. It’s cool to let people in on the nickname, too. Say, “My name is (your name), but my firends call me (enigmatic nickname).” Here’s an example: “My name is Louis, but my friends call me Dr. Chunks.” Refer to yourself in the third person sometimes, too.
5. Cool is being able to quote Shakespeare. Imagine being on a street corner or in line at a roller coaster and just out of nowhere some guy starts bustin’ out all like, “‘Twas brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimbel in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe!” People would be all, “What a loser!” Then you be all, “With love’s light wings did I o’erperch these walls!” Then the first guy be all mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms and people be thinking you be cool. Keats and Dickenson be cool, too, and come to think of it, Lewis Carroll be not that uncool hisself. Power to the Alice.
6. Cool is when you got some mutha at the end of your piece and his chick’s got a bead on your badass afro and she’s all screaming but you keep your head and start all shouting, “What’s Fonzie like? What’s Fonzie like?” And she’s all, “He’s cool.” That’s right. Fonzie is cool. Make references to Fonzie a lot. It is a universal given truth that Fonzie is cool, and you can experience coolness by association.
7. Cool is having a cool job. Being a dental assistant isn’t as cool as being an archaeologist. Being a farm boy isn’t as cool as being a smuggler. Basically, it’s cool to have a job that other people always wanted but couldn’t get. Like being God. That’s the coolest job. Lots of perks, looks great on a resume, and you get the seventh day off. I would settle for working in a record store or a coffee shop, though. Those are cool places to work because you get free music and coffee, which brings me to point eight…
8. Cool is espresso drinks ordered well. If you go to Starbucks and say, “What’s a latte? Does it have coffee in it?” you’re not cool. Don’t go to Starbucks. Corporate coffee isn’t coffee; it’s profit, and you can tell by the size of their mochas. They’re really small. If you go to a LOCAL coffee house and say, “What’s a mocha? Is that like mocha java ice cream flavored?” then you’re halfway there. Go to the counter and say, “I’d like a double mocha with whip for here.” That’s what I say, so add your own twist so as not to cramp my style, but that’s the jist of it. One sentence; leave no unasked question unanswered. “Single decaf latte with soy milk, no whip, to go.” Voila. Or maybe just “Large house coffee for here.” Then they give you a cup and you can impress the girls/guys behind the counter with how well you pour coffee. Practice at home. Don’t screw up. If you don’t like coffee, you can still order it—just don’t drink it. Pour it down the bathroom sink and play it off legit.
9. Cool is being prepared for any situation. If zombies overrun the city and the buildings are falling down and there’s a tornado headed for the orphanage, you’ll be ready. That’s cool.
10. Cool is being able to parallel park the first time.
11. Cool is being in a band. Music is just another universal cool, like Fonzie. If you can be in a band long enough to get popular and still hold a respectable smuggling job and have friends then you’re cool. Drums are really cool. If you can play the drums really well, you’re cool. Bass is cool. Guitar is probably recognized as the coolest instrument, but I think it’s the hammered dulcimer that’s the bomb-ass. If you can rock out on the hammered dulcimer, I’ve got some rock-god status for your ever-lovin’ eye.
Now, here’s a scene demonstrating how cool you can be in real life, remembering to apply the eleven tenets of coolness:
Scene:
(coffee shop, evening. A bunch of wanna-be cool people are sitting around debating the existence of true coolness. The door opens, and in you stride, wearing a long, ornate coat and a powdered wig.)
You:
(giving thumb’s-up) ‘Ehhhhhhh!
Everybody:
Hi, Dr. Chunks!
You:
(approaching girl/guy at counter) Hey, give me a triple decaf nonfat chai latte, no whip, for here. (raising eyebrow) By the way, is this the pickup counter? ‘Cause I’m picking you up!
Girl/Guy:
(looking intrigued by your suaveness) Coming right up! Did I just see you parallel parking outside?
You:
First try, baby! What light through yonder window breaks?
Girl/Guy:
What’s with the coat and wig?
You:
I’m Thomas Jefferson, coolest Declaration of Independence author/president/inventor in town. I invented the cotton gin and the phonograph and the General Theory of Relativiy and gravity. Word to the Fonzie.
Girl/Guy:
I couldn’t help but notice the ease with which you ordered your espresso beverage just then.
You:
That’s because I work at a LOCAL coffee house across town on days when I’m not God. My parents don’t know I’m out right now. Fonzie’s cool. (nods of approval from the wanna-bes)
Girl/Guy:
What did you tell your folks?
You:
Oh, I just said, “Did you hew your domework? Did you rean your cloom? Did you deed the fog?” Then I split. Before I came here, though, I had to go to my popular band’s practice space and pick up my hammered dulcimer.
Girl/Guy:
Here’s your latte.
You:
Excuse me for a moment. (go to bathroom and pour latte down the sink) I’m back—that was a killer latte. I couldn’t stop drinking it even as I was using the toilet. (wink to knowing patrons) Fonzie’s the man.
Man:
(bursting in through front door) Holy crap, everyone! There’s a hurricane a-coming and the oranges ain’t been a-harvested yet! Save the children!
You:
Dr. Chunks is ready.
Girl/Guy:
God damn you’re cool.
Finale of Scene
See how easy it is? I think it was all summed up by that last line, spoken by a girl/guy in bewildered awe of your blinding coolness: “God damn you’re cool.” So true, so true. Oh yes, I almost forgot the most important thing you must do to be cool: don’t do what anybody tells you to do. If you can do that, you’ll be the coolest. You can do that, can’t you?
Your friend,
Logan (but my friends call me Magic Chef)
